Alcohol and Ren Don't Mix
by spacecadet777
Summary: What happens one morning after. M for swearing and alcohol. Bottoms up!


This is Disney's and Lucasfilm's crayon box and coloring book. I'm just coloring a page. A/N There really is a liqueur called Kinky, and one called Everclear. The rest is the product of a vivid imagination. All times listed are assumed to be Earth Standard time. AU where Kylo Ren and Leia talk to each other via text message, and he actually calls her Mom, just doesn't feel comfortable calling her General Solo.  
-Upgrades and repairs to the Finalizer have the ship stationed temporarily at Courscant. When the repairs and upgrades reach Ren's, Hux's and Phasma's quarters the three are staying at a hotel on the planet

Kylo Ren woke up in his darkened hotel room and felt like he was surely gonna die. He felt like he had been run over by several AT-ATs and his tongue had grown as much hair as a wookie while he was asleep. Unconscious would be a better term for this. He could have sworn that he actually dreamed about pink elephants.

Hux unlocked the door and cheerily walked in the room with a cup of caf. He was being deliberately cheerful because he knew that Ren was messed up. Good morning he said but it didn't sound that way to Kylo. With a flourish he opened up the drapes that he had closed the night before

The morning sunlight poured into the room an assaulted Kylo Ren immediately, he almost passed out from the light and sat back down on the bed. If he wasn't in his current state, Hux would have been a dead man. Literally. In his current state he couldn't even push Hux against a wall with the force. Trying to bury himself back under the covers didn't help either. the covers were white. he was screwed.

Rather than fight it, Kylo decided to just get this shit over with. Standing was an altogether new concept, but he did it and made it to the other side of the room to get the caf before it got cold.

"You look like hell, Ren." Hux chided him.

"Oh, gee, Thanks I feel like hell too. It's a set."

Hey, serves you right for getting yourself plastered as you did. You were already drunk, why did you have to drink that swill that you plied yourself with last night.

Because I wanted to get drunker. I, wait, what time did you come and get me out of that bar?

"1215, Ren, and I was sound asleep when that bartender called. I guess it was just as well. I had to purchase alcohol at he Booze barge last night. Why in the seven hells would they name a liquor store that I have no idea."

"Did I pay you back for that?"

"Yes you did and then some. I put the excess in your right jacket pocket."

Ren took a sip of the caf, it was strong, but Hux, bless his heart though, knew how Ren liked it.

Did I text you at about three in the morning?

"No. You texted your mother and forwarded it to me". The look on Ren's face was enough to stop a thousand star destroyers in their tracks.

"Ok. I texted my mother. What did I say?"

"You don't remember? Oh kriff, you don't. You asked her if she could bring you a bottle of Jackson Daniels and a feather duster."

"What?" Ren gave Hux a look like the man had grown a second head and dressed it up lke a drag queen. Hux gave Kylo the comm and said. "Read this for your self."

Mom: Hey, Ben: Hi Mom: Could you bring me a bottle of jacksondaniels and a feather duster?  
Ben: No. you drank the jackson and I am too tired to pick the feathers to make a feather duster.

Looking at the text messages was starting to give Kylo a headache. Hux had started chuckling, and said keep reading..It only gets worse than that

Mom: why did I drink all the jackson Ben: Because I drank all the beer Mom: Well then how about some rum and fizzy cola?  
Ben: Nope. You drank all the rum too.  
Mom: Well you drank all the vodkash Ben: Only because you drank all the wine. You said you wanted some juice...I didn't have the heart to tell you it was wine.  
Damn, son. Your'e a kriffin lush! go to bed and Dry out.

Mom: No. Ben: What the fudge are you drinking now that you're texting me at this funkin unholy hour?  
Mom: Everclear and Kinky liqueur.  
Ben: Aw shit. Don't you know what the fuck everclear is?  
Mom: it's alcohol. And I'm fucked up.

Ben: I'm gonna go back to sleep. Damn, you're gonna be the reason why I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. You better call me when You get up tomorrow afternoon...  
Mom: But what about the feather duster?  
Ben: Why the hells do you need a kriffin feather duster at this time of night?  
Mom: Because there's dust bunnies under my bed. They said they want to kill me.

"that's the end of that lovely mother-son chat", Hux said. Kylo was sitting on the bed, head in his hands, half asleep, half mortified that he would text anyone such things, let alone his mother.

"Was there something else you don't remember doing? like trying on Phasma's armor perhaps?"

Ren's head shot up at that, "I did What?"

"Yeah. you knocked on Phasma's door, woke her up, and asked her if you could try on her armor. You said you wanted to see if it was shiny on both sides of it. She had the good sense to tell you no, and brought you back in here. but then you asked her to try to kill the dust bunnies under the bed. She didn't she said that the dust bunnies were wanting to try to get drunk with you, and ten you shoved the bottle of everclear under the bed. I crawled under the bed and removed both bottles of alcohol before you could drink another drop and you shooed us both out of the room and told us you were gonna take a nap. That was 330 this morning. Damn, man, the everclear was nearly empty and the Kinky Liqueur was nearly full."

All this time they were talking, it hadn't occurred to Ren to look at a chronometer. And once he did, it infuriated him further. He had an appointment with the Supreme Leader in less than an hour and Snoke didn't take him being late lightly. Somehow he made it to this appointment on time.

Two hours later Kylo Ren walked back into the hotel room and fell on the bed and passed out. Again. The universe didn't know him again until the following morning. When he woke he found just one message from his mom

Ben: I'm assuming that you aren't dead. Comm me back when you get the chance.

Cheers!


End file.
